I hate it! I feel so useless! My son is sick and he gets sick so often. I am sick yet I do not have a chance in hell to BE SICK!
Mother's day sucked BIG TIME. I hate Mother's day! I just hate it! I miss my mom. I was at the grave yesterday and standing there in the rain I realised what a wonderfull woman she was. And what she meant to me. Oh how I miss her. I wish things were different but I know that she is better off. I went on my knees and I just said a few words. I was crying frantically. My sister had to get me up and take me away. It feels like my life is just falling apart!
And I HATE my MIL. I hate her for what she is doing to me. Yesterday we went there to drop Zeke. I said happy mother's day, all she did was say thank you. NOTHING ELSE. After that she did not even look at me. I greeted my FIL, not even he said happy mother's day! They didn't even look at me. Made me feel like a peasant. Fuck them. From here on out, I HAVE NO PIL! I just hate what they are doing to me. They did wrong unto me, now it seems like I was the wrong one.
My son is still not better which means that I cannot sleep properly cause Ihave to check on him during the night. I feel so tired and emotional. I just want to cry. But there is no time for crying or time time to stop and just think. Things are going way too fast. How do I slow down?
Anyways, I know that I have people that love and care for me. This is what my family showed me this wekend. And thank God for them. And especially Thank GOD for my wonderful OPM friends. Love you all so much!
yes i am busy/ duty aaarrg
yes id do 4give you. no u not a monster. no u not a bad person. sorry if i make it seems you all bad. if you going to do a 100 wrong things that hurt me im gonna tell you a 100 time you were wrong.
you need to work on how you deal with things. if i am not easy to get along then tell me how i can change that. dont get upset i just talk about my feelings. tell me. u are to blame if you dont express. you know i will listen to what you have to say. if that is one of my problrms with you it taht you dont talk why wouldi shoot you down if you spke about my faults. i mite not agree with them if i feel so but at least its communication. you say my friends mite think so that im easy. i look at jealousy the way you deal with others to see how nice you are with thme. but in a second you can be rude with me.
like i say you need to get into a space to really c what you doing to me, to us. if its councilling do you want me to go with? i dont mind or do you need to do this on your own?
you rational now! when you irrational you dont need to be rude. you admit you are the problem. so change it. i will change if what you think i must change but thats gonna come from you to tell me what makes it hard for you to live with me.
Conroy John Sidney January 3rd
I am sorry for what you are going that you going through. I am sorry that I am the cause of your problems. I am sorry that I am not the wife that I could be. I am sorry that I am such a terrible person. You really do not deserve any of this. You are a good person, good husband and a good father. You have been there for me through everything. And I owe you so much. You are my love. You are the person that I want to be with for the rest of my life.
I am sorry for the heartache that I am causing you. I am sorry that I am such a burden in your life. I am sorry for everything.
Our lives together is not as bad as you make it out to be. We are good together, and yes I slip up. And yes I have my faults and I need to work on it. I don’t want to give up on us. And I want to work things through with you. But you are not always the easiest person to get along with. You might think you are, but you not. Your friends might find it easy to talk to you, but things are different from my point of view.
I love you, first and foremost. Yes I have done and said the wrong things. But does that make me a bad person? Does that make me a monster? I think not. Like I said before, I have faults and I have to deal with it and work through it. I am willing to do so. And I know that my commitment levels are not as high as yours when it comes to saying I will do this or I won’t do that. I respect you for that and commend you.
I really do not want the time we were together to go to waste. I want us to be happy in every way possible. I want to love you and make you happy and you me. I want joy and happiness. I can honestly say that you do that for me. You bring me joy and love and happiness. I have never been this happy in my life.
I am willing to go that extra mile. I am willing to go for counselling if that is what it will take. I am willing and I am willing. I want this to work. I don’t want to fight, I don’t want to be sad or see you sad.
I know I said some things and I am sorry. Sorry that I had lost the hope and the faith is us. Sorry that I have been selfish and bitter and rude and unreasonable. Please forgive me and please reconsider what we have. I don’t want to give up at all. I know I have been dealing with things in the wrong way. I know that I can do better and handle our situations better. I know atht I can be all that you need in your life.
I am think rationally now. And I am sorry that I say things when I am stubborn and unreasonable.
So many sorry’s. But will you forgive?
Remember that I love you and only you.
Lotsa love
Lilian January
So he is not coming home today. Mummy is so upset and hurt and emotional. And my life just seems to get worse and worse with each minute passing.
He has been diagnosed now with Pneumonia virus. WTF? I don't know what to do?
Please keep me in prayers and thoughts!
What have I done wrong in my life??? Why me??? Why all this???????????
Where to start??? My life has just gone from happily married to unhappily married. Yes that’s right. And it sucks. I am completely and utterly emotional today. I feel like I have lost it all. But I haven’t, I still have my precious Zeke.
What happened to us? Where did we go wrong? When did we loose the fire in our marriage? Maybe it’s me?
So last night I told hubby that things are just not going to work out. I feel like dying inside! I feel like I am a huge failure in my marriage and in my life. I am so unhappy right now, words cannot explain it. And you know what? I have to keep up a front. I don’t want to show people how I feel cause I don’t want to explain myself to everyone. I can’t.
Love me for me with my faults. If you can’t then too bad. Yes I know I have alot of faults. Yes I know that I cannot commit to keeping promises. So maybe we are better off, separated.
My poor Zekie boy, mommy loves you amidst the troubles in my life. You are my sunshine. Because of you I still want to live. Because you keep me going every day. My true miracle, God could not have sent a better Angel to me. I love you very very much my son.
I can't believe that I am going to this! Preparing everything for mom's burial. It's very hard for me :( I can't imagine what I am going to do tomorrow, how I will get through everything. I have the day off from work.
My heart is aching and I am in a buzz. I can't consentrate for long without thinking of my poor mom. I guess that she is so much better off. Funny how death can bring a family closer. I never understood that concept. Yet it is true.
I got a call yesterday from my long LOST sister-in-law. She told me that she is sorry for my loss and sorry that I am going through this. But she was crying more than anything else. I could hardly hear her on the other end of the phone. I just stood there with the phone against my ear. I almost cried. But I couldn't. I felt so empty. She rejected us and my mom when we really needed her. Yet now that my mom is gone she is trying to mend the pieces. What did I get a year ago when I tried to mend the pieces? NOTHING! No-one ever apologised to me for being rude to me, for doing unbearable things to me. What about ho I was hurting????
Ok I will leave that to the past. I am looking to the future now. And trying to go on with life without my dear mom. So for her sake, I will let things just be and make right where I can.
All in all, it was traumatic yesterday when I had to write out her obituary. She had a fulfilling life, yet she was never really taken care of in the way that a mother of her age should have been. Yes my sister took care of her but my sister was unemployed and barely had any money for herself let alone for my mom. I feel so much regret. I feel pain in my heart. The way I feel cannot be explained. I know I did what I could for my mom. Just like a daughter should, but will it ever be enough?
So tomorrow I will make preparations and pray that all will run smoothly. I want my mom to have a dignified funeral.
Dear God;
I don't know all of the challenges my friend has,
but YOU know EVERYTHING.
I hear her silence;
YOU hear her prayers.
I see her laughter;
YOU see her tears.
I see when she gives;
YOU see what's been taken from her.
I see her beautiful appearance;
YOU see the scars in her soul.
I experience her faith;
YOU know her doubts.
My prayer God, is that YOU give her everything she may need and bless her abundantly.
Saturday morning I woke at 7am. The sound beeping sound of my phone was starting to irritate me. It goes off every few minutes indicating that there is a sms. I eventually got up and opened the message. There were 3messages! All please call me's from my brother. Urgggg I thought. But then I thought maybe it is my mom. So I called him and he told me that my mom was admitted again to hospital. I then sem's my dh to to tell him and to also tell him to stop by my mom's house when he comes home from work.
I got out of bed and started with Zeke's clothing and started cleaning. And then at 7h20 Zeke woke up which meant that I had to stop everything. I was playing with him and spending some quality time with him as I have missed him the whole week. And then I decided that we (me and Zeke) are going to pray for Mamma. And we prayed and when I was finished he looked at me with this look on his face and just smiled at me. I had to hold back the tears. I decided I am going to bath my baby boy and then we could just spend time together before daddy comes home from work.
Daddy came home just after 9am. made breakfast for us. And I gave Zeke a bottle and off to lalaland he went. So innocent to the worl around him. He does not know the difference between living and dying. And as I was watching him fall asleep so many thoughts went through my mind. Thinking what he would be when he grows up. How he would be if I were to be sick. Would he be there for me? Would he take care of me? And if I should die, would he miss me? All these things.
Saturday afternoon I went about my chores. Hanging the washing and getting the house clean. I received a call from an unfamiliar number. And I did'nt want to answer the phone yet I did. Then I just heard my sister's voice. She said you better come to the hospital and ask someone to get you here. And she told me that my mom is not going to make it. I was like :"WHAT?" And I put the phone down. I woke up hubby and he said we could go during visiting hours. I was ok with that. Then 10minutes later, she phoned again ans this time with more urgency! Come now. And I went into a crying fit. Woke up hubby and this time I got his full attention.
We decided to ask SIL to look after Zeke. We got ready and got Z ready. Took him to his aunt and from there to the hospital. On our way there, there was silence in the car. We were both so nervous. I did not know what to expect. And my mind was playing tricks on me. And I was feeling down and sad. And I thought to myself that if my mom should pass away before I get there then I am going to kill my husband. Because he took so long. And it felt like we were driving for hours and hours eventhough the drive was only 10 minutes.
When we got to the hospital I jumped out of the car. There I was met by family, all in tears. My heart sank. I thought I was too late. I was in tears. But someone (can't remember who) took me through to where my mom was. There, I vaguely remember the people that was there, people ushered me to the top of the bed. And I saw my eldest brother standing over me. And when I saw my mom. I could not utter a word, I just cried. Next thing I knew I was talking to her. She had an oxygen mask on, and the little bag at the bottom did not inflate or deflate. because her breathing was very very poor. I was in shock. I looked at her. And I saw a lifeless person there. I did not know this woman before me. I couldn't picture this woman in my life. The mother/woman I know was strong and had a soft heart.
This woman before me is not the person that I got to know and love. She was just laying there. Her eyes were rolled up and there was no movement.. She just lay there. I wanted to shout, GET UP GET UP. I wanted her to hold my hand and I wanted her to tell me that everything will be ok. I wanted her to just get up. I was devastated. But I knew. I knew that she was gone already. Just that she was still breathing. She fought very hard despite the fact that she just could not anymore. I wanted to tell her that I would trade places with her. But I could'nt. At that time I was only thinking of her and me. No one else mattered, sadly not even my son. I mentally prepared myself for her passing........
The day dragged on forever. And I just could not bear her suffering so much. I said a silent prayer in her ear. And I told God that I release her. I give her unto Him. I made peace at that time. Made peace that she will be in a better place. A place that there is no pain and no suffering. At last she will be with my dad and with my 2 siblings that has gone before her. It was now her time to be with them. She had her time with us. And for that I am thankful.
We were all sitting outside and my brother Jacques came out crying! And I shouted and I saw that Mervyn (eldest brother) was consoling him. And then my sister went in where my mom was. And she came and brought the news. My mom has sadly passed on. I was in tears, I was going crazy. And all I know is that my husband took me in his arms and just held me. I was prepared for this moment. But really was not prepared.
And I could'nt understand. It was like a nightmare. Someone please wake me up........
The rest of the eveing went by in a bit of a blur. I couldn't sleep. I just held my son when we got home. Just wanted to be with him. Just needed his smile to reassure me that all is ok.
Mom I love you very much. And I pray that you are in a better place. No more pain, no suffering. I am going to miss you so much.
I got my dream camera on Saturday :)
When hubby went to bed on Saturday morning we started talking about the camera that I want. It's quite pricey. Dh was making sums in his mind as to how we will pay for it. And after much hesitation we decided that I am getting it!! Yeah :)
Life is like a blanket that's too small
Pull it up to cover your shoulders, and your feet's open
Pull it down to cover your feet, and your shoulder's open
Lucky for us who were taught to bend our knees,
because with prayer you're covered from head to toe...
Have a fantastic day
"Et tu Brute, then fall Caesar". Perhaps the most famous words in English literature speak of a betrayal of a friend. Julius Caesar is saying that if even his close friend Brutus is stabbing him, then he has no hope. Our friends are the ones that we expect will stand by us through thick and thin. When are going through hard times, we ask that they be "like a bridge over troubled waters". If we cannot count on our friends to pull us through, then who can we count on?
Source: Betrayed Friend Poems - Friendship Poems about Betrayal http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/friend/betrayed-friend-poems.asp#ixzz0kzdcfDcG
So I decided that I am not letting ANYONE chase me away from my friends. I have missed my friends. And without them I would not be where I am today! God has sent them to me to help me go through things and make it easier. And for me to be there for them for what they are going through and be a friend to them.
I am so blessed to have these people in my life. I am kind of a lone ranger. And finding these ladies was a big blessing.
Here is something I found for you girls/ladies :
Good FriendSharing good times with good friends is the greatest joy. This is the stuff that makes life worthwhile. Whether sharing a meal together or a good conversation, there is nothing more fulfilling then spending time with friends. We must be thankful for the friendships that come our way for not all are blessed with the skills to form deep relationships. Those of us that do have friends must never take for granted the gift bestowed upon us.
Good Friend By Family Friend Poems / CC BY 3.0
So I had to do one of the most difficult things in my life. Saying good bye to the people that I love. The people that stood by me through thick and thin. That helped me through the worst and best times of my life!
All because someone could not be trusted. Yes, someone that I thought was a friend. A person that I supported and encouraged and helped through her k@k.
I don't understand why people can be so cruel. What have I done to them? Nothing! I have only been there for them.
For the ladies that sent me messages and emails, thank you. It is nice to know that I am loved by you all. Ok, now my tears are coming again. i will miss you girls soooooooo much. But please don't stop the emails, or skype messages.
I will maybe, mabe not pop in. But I do wish all of you the best in life. Those that are TTC'ing, God WILL bless you. Those with LO's may God bless you and them. And those that are preggies, girls, may you be blessed with a bundle of joy. And may GOD bless you all for the people that you are!
LOVE YOU ALL
I am so heartbroken at the moment. Some may think I am a bad mother or that I don't care. I do care. And as I am sitting here I find it so hard to concentrate!
My nunu was admitted yesterday. His nose is heavily congested. He breathes through his mouth 90% of the time. He can hardly drink his bottle. He was diagnosed with Bronchiolitis and his ananoids are a bit swollen.
I have hardly slept the last few days. Took him to a GP on Tuesday evening. Wednesday evening I could see that he is not doing so well. Yesterday morning I decided that I am taking him to another GP. When I walked in the Dr's room, all he said was : "this child Needs to be admitted". So off to the paed we went. There the paed said the same thing. I had to keep the tears back. I could see that my nunu was suffering alot. Last night was just as bad. I hardly slept. He was restless and his nose was hecticly congested.
I could not stay with him as I just started this job and don't want to jeopordise this job. Some might say that my child is more important than my job. And I would say, you are right! But how will I feed my child and pay for his meds and pay for his wellbeing if I am out of a job? I know how hard it is to find a new job! I have been there way too many times. I love my son very much.
Journey To The Past lyrics
Songwriters: Ahrens, Lynn; Flaherty, Stephen;
Heart, don't fail me now
Courage, don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here
People always say, "Life is full of choices"
No one ever mentions fear
Or how the road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast
Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
On this journey to the past
Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide
I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well, starting here my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast
Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
On this journey to the past
Heart, don't fail me now
Courage, don't desert me
Home, love, family
There was once a time
I must have had them too
Home, love, family
I will never be complete
Until I find you, hey
One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was on to find my future
Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past
Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
To bring me home at last, at last
Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
Hey yeah
© T C F MUSIC PUBLISHING INC;
these lyrics are last corrected by ash
Today is just one of those days where I am trying to figure out where I want to be and where I should be..... In this journey called life, nothing is constant. Not even CHANGE.
I find myself often wondering about life. Where will it take me? I don't know. All I know is that the path that I am on at the moment is a good path. And that might not be the case. Maybe I am destined for something greater. I don't know. Who knows? No-one. Only God has the directions on this path that I need to follow.
There are alot of people in my life and some that seriously does not belong in my life. There are loads of baggage that I need to offload. But why do I keep onto it? Is it because I feel like I will be lost without it? Or that I will not survive if I loose this baggage? I don't know. There is alot of things that I don't know. That I should still find answers to. But where do I start? Alot of question and so little answers.
Maybe time will give me the answers. Maybe if I have more patience. Maybe if I just allow myself to seek and discover. To explore more.
ONLY TIME WILL TELL.....
So I have renamed my blog. The reason for this is, is to take you on a tour of my life. And let you as my friends in on my every day life. The trials, laughter, sorrow, pain and most of all joy in my life. There are not many that knows the real Lilian January. And now I would like to share ME with you.
A bit about me. I am a 26 year old, married woman. I am a mother to a beautiful baby boy. He brings joy to my life. His father is the love of my life. And we sometimes don't get along very well because there is sometimes a break in communication. We are not the perfect couple, we have our flaws. and our ups and downs. But we strive each day to make each other happy and feel loved. This is not always the case but we get along quite well.
I met my husband while I was working at Grandwest casino as a Guest Service Attendant. He was just promoted to Supervisor. I disliked him ALOT! I could not stand this guy. He was engaged at the time. And I was kind of and kind of not involved. Later his fiance' and him broke it off. And we got together (as friends). And from there one thing led to another and here we are!
Now God has blessed us with Zeke Leo January. He is truelly a blessing in our lives. I cannot thank God enough for finding us fit to be parents. There are so many other people out there that I am sure of will make great parents but are struggling. I wish i could give them the blessing that God has bestowed upon our lives.
I am the youngest of 8 children. 2 of my siblings passed on when they were about the same age as Zeke. They are before my time. But I still think of how it would have been if they were still here. My sister, Adelaide, is the eldest, she has 4 daughters and 4 granschildren. My second eldest brother, Mervyn, is married and has 1 son. Derick is after Mervyn, he is married with 2 boys and 1 stepson. John is next, he is also married with 3 kids, 2boys and 1 girl. Jacques, the one before me, is married as well and has one son, Rowan, and a step daughter. My mother is still alive. My father passed on almost 4years ago.
This is just a little bit about me and my family. My family is not the sweetest nor most supportive or affection at all. But I know that they love me and my son.
So come along with me into our lives and see how we live and how we manage our day to day lives.
Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD
"Never give the devil a ride he will want to take over the driving."
Dear Woman of God
Be still for a while and praise God for His favor
His grace and His awesomeness
God is able to do the impossible and is always near
He loves us unconditionally..
Together, lets get 1000's ladies to praise Him with one voice in this
next hour.
Please forward this to every woman who's close to your heart.
Stay blessed
I don't exactly know where to start! I have written letters over and over again. But I just end up throwing it away.
I really want to tell you that I love you and I miss you so much. My heart breaks every time that I think of you. And I sometimes wish that I could just have a few moments with you. There is so much I want to tell you. So much that you would be proud of. I feel that you are the only person that is proud of my achievements. And that you would be so happy to see how my life have changed for the better.
I wish that I could see you now! I wish that you were here with me. I really miss you so much. I miss the times that we just talked about anything and everything. I miss the late nights that we watched movies or listened to the radio. The nights that you waited up for me when I used to work shifts. Just thinking about those days brings a smile to my face.
I wish that you could have met my baby. I will tell him everything about you and the person that you were. The strong characteistics that you as my father showed. You were never a talkative person, yet in your own way you loved us. And you showed us in different ways what love is and how much we meant to you.
Today I can say that I adore/d you! I loved you for who you were. Yes you did the wrong things sometimes. But who is perfect? Nobody.
So dad this is to you! I love you and miss you. May God and His angels keep you safe wherever you are. And know that you are always in my heart! I will always love you.
Today I can truelly say that I am blessed. Blessed that I still have a MOTHER. Blessed because Ihave a loving and kind HUSBAND. Blessed because my SON is healthy and that he brightens my life. Blessed because I have a family that is supportive (not always). Blessed that my extended family are supportive. Blessed that I have friends that love and care for me and my family.
Blessed that my husband and I have jobs. That we love what we do. Blessed that we have a house and a car. And blessed because we have a child. And that God has seen it fit for us to have ALL these things in our lives!
Blessed that I could wake up this morning and greet my husband and son with a smile. I am truelly blessed in so many ways!
I HOPE YOU HAVE A BLESSED DAY!
Yes I can be. Although it's not in my nature to be a bitch! I tend to be very meek and mild. But if you mess with me or the people in my life, then I WILL BE THE BITCH that you are looking for.
I hate people that pretend that they are my friends. I hate the fact that you think I am stupid! I hate it when you make nasty comments about me or my friends. We have done nothing to you! So why are you the way you are?
You must be a very very lonely soul! poor you. Looking for friends. The way that you are looking for friends is way wrong. Do NOT bad mouth people that I care for because you want to be my friend. i thought I knew you! I thought you were my friend. I guess I was sooooooo wrong about you.
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU SAY AND WHO YOU SAY IT TO.
A WONDERFUL MOTHER.
GOD made a wonderful mother,
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine,
And He molded her heart of pure gold;
In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks, fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me.
~Pat O'Reilly~
MOTHER...
Mother You filled my days with rainbow lights,
fairytales and sweet dream nights,
A kiss to wipe away my tears,
Gingerbread to ease my fears.
You gave the gift of life to me,
And then in love, you set me free.
I thank you for your tender care,
for deep warm hugs and being there.
I hope that when you think of me,
A part of you, you'll always see.
~Author Unknown~
So much has been happening the last few weeks. I don't know how I am supposed to take all of this. My mom is very ill. They suspect that she has cancer. I am deeply sad about this and I am soooo trying to hide the way I feel. But the more I hide my feelings, the more I hurt. I feel so crap that I have not done enough for her or been there enough for her. But my common sense tell me that I am just tripping! I know in my heart that I have done alot for her. Maybe not as much as I could have. Maybe not enough to ease my guilt feelings. But what is enough?
I know it sounds stupid. But I really feel that I can do so much more. I pray that God spares her, yet I pray that God should relieve of all pain. I do not want to see her in pain anymore. She has suffered so much after the passing of my dad. I just want my mom to be happy and I know that she will be happy if she is with my dad.
I am so scared that I won't have a mom anymore. Yes I have lost her a long time ago. For years now I have not had a proper one-on-one conversation with her due to her stroke. She is like a baby. Everything has to be done for her. But I never stopped loving my mom. And I probably never will.
It's funny how things turn out. When I was very younger, my mom and I never got along! And my brother just got everything from her and that pissed me off. And i was Daddy's girl :). But when my dad passed on, my mom and me formed this mother-daughter relationship. And I really got to know my mom as this strong, yet gentle woman. And I loved her even more than before. I must say that it was hard at first to build a relationship with someone you have known all your life, yet never had that connection with.
I truelly love my mom and all she has done for us. And I appreciate the sacrifices (there were many) that she made for us. And she gave up so much and did so much for us. I can't talk for my siblings, but I can talk for me. Even now, I love her soooo much. She is the strongest person that I know and yet seeing her frail and helpless saddens my heart.
She has been in and out for hospital for the last 2-3weeks. And this just reminds me of when my dad passed on. How he was in and out of hospital a few weeks before he died and up until the day he passed on.
Now that I am a MOTHER myself I know what she went through and I salute her. Because each day spent with my son, makes me realize that it was not always easy.
A poem that I found
MOTHER'S ARE THE SWEETEST.
Our mother is the sweetest and
Most delicate of all.
She knows more of paradise
Than angels can recall.
She's not only beautiful
But passionately young,
Playful as a kid, yet wise
As one who has lived long.
Her love is like the rush of life,
A bubbling, laughing spring
That runs through all like liquid light
And makes the mountains sing.
And makes the meadows turn to flower
And trees to choicest fruit.
She is at once the field and bower
In which our hearts take root.
She is at once the sea and shore,
Our freedom and our past.
With her we launch our daring ships
Yet keep the things that last.
~Nick Gordon~
Today I feel tired and miserable. Such alot of things that I did today and yet so little help. Ok, no help. Wish I could just go away to a spa or some place and just chill. I feel neglected. Not by anybody but by myself. Since the birth of Zeke, I have not paid much or any attention to myself. It's hard when you have to do everything by yourself. Luckily sometimes my husband does the housework and the washing, but I still see to the food and see to it that everone is fed and bathed and dressed and and and and............
Oh how I wish for a holiday with only myself. Can't wait till the 15 of March. We going to Goudini spa for 4days and the day after we come back we going to Hermanus beach club for the long weekend. Something to look forward to before I go back to work.
Hello people
So sorry that I have been MIA. Little Zeke keeps me busy most of the time. I can't believe that he is 8weeks old already! In 3days he will be 2 months old! WOW. Time is going by so fast. Soon I will have to start arranging his 1st birthday party! LOL...
I hope that everyone is well. And that the New Year brought lots of good things in your lives. It certainly has brought me much joy and love.
I seldom have time for anything anymore. But I promise myself that I will update my blogg more often.
Having a baby is sometimes so unreal. I sometimes ask Zeke if he is really mine. LOL. And then just hold him and smell him and just enjoy those moments with him. Because you never know what lies ahead. I don't want to think negative, but you know what? Somehow you always have to face reality! Anywhoooooooo....... Leave my depressing thoughts for another time.
I am really happy for the joys in my life and that God saw it fit for us to be parents. I can't imagine life without C and Z.
Hi ladies
So I have been putting this off because I am scared that I will scare some preggie lady. But I thought about it and figured that they can actually learn from my mistakes.
On Tuesday 22/12/2009 I felt these strong pains, worse than the ones I had a few weeks earlier. And I almost panicked. But the ladies here put my mind at ease. Those that were here will remember that I did not even know how to wake dh up... LOL. Eventually i woke him and said that we need to go to the hospital, NOW! LOL. He jumped out of bed, but took his own sweet time. He brushed his teeth, ate, smoked a cig. He managed to iron his clothes and take a bath. All in the time that I am in this pain. When we eventually left for the hospital, I wanted to stay at home. I was scared of what is to come.
We got to the hosp at 5h23. I was booked in and the midwife called my gynea. They put me on the monitor to see how far the contractions were. And if baby's heartbeat is ok. All was fine. I was indeed in labour but my waters did not break yet. The midwife told me that I could either stay there or go home. I opted to stay there.
At 6h30 Wednesday morning the midwife broke my wate. Oh my word, the pain that followed was unbearable! I was in pain. I opted NOT to take an epidural (BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE). The next shift that came on gave me an injection to help ease the pain seeing that I chose not to take the epidural. After that injection the pain just got stronger. I hated the fact that they came and check every 20 to 30minutes how far dilated I was. After a while I could not stand the pain. I said I need to poo. (I lied) I just needed to get off that bed. By 11h00 I was shputing and screaming so much, dh laughed at me. I was crying and could not stop. By this time I was only 4cm dilated. I got frustrated with dh for no reason. I was shouting that they must take this baby out. The midwife eventually brought me the gas mask thingie. I hated it!!!! I felt like dying. Thinking wtf did I let myself into.
By 13h00 my poor husband was tired of waiting. He took a drive to my mom's house. Just when he left the gynea came and I was 7cm dilated. I was thinking, ok we almost there. But the pain could have killed me, I tell you. Then I was alone in that room. I took a sniff of the gas mask and then I would shout as loud as I could for help. (LOL). I did this whenever I felt a contraction. I felt like I was going crazy. When dh came back at 14h00 I was a bit calmer. But when the contractions came, I just shouted even louder. Ooooh I was such a freakin drama queen, it's not even funny! I shouted for help every few minutes, then go quiet and just start all over again. I told my hubby to just tell them to take this baby out. I was not coping at all.
Eventually the gynea came at 15h15. I was 8cm dilated since 14h00, and would'nt dilate any further. I saw this vacuum thing, I thought OMW. WTF???? But then I was told to push if I feel a contraction. And I did, the vacuum slipped out the first time. And then with the next contraction I pushed, felt like I was going to shit the bed full.... Luckily I did'nt. Then in a matter of seconds, I pushed, and gynea put the vacuum back in again, cut a bit and then the next thing I knew there was a baby on my chest! I was confused as hell. And then it struck me, I just gave birth! OMW. Once Zeke was out there was no pain.
I held him in my arms and managed to smile after all that crying. DH just stood there and LOL'ed. The gynea commented that he has never seen a reaction like my hubby's. Normally the men go into shock or just faint. But laughing? LOL. Ad the gynea started stitching, I felt the thread and he had to inject me again.
After that the midwife came to wash me and dh went with Zeke. I could NOT wait to see my baby! I was so happy that he was alive and healthy. He weighed 2.88kg and measured 48cm.
And that is my story.
Now if I think back at the pain, nothing compares to holding that precious baby in my arms. The pain and even my whole pregnancy is forgotten!
