Mother, I love you

So much has been happening the last few weeks. I don't know how I am supposed to take all of this. My mom is very ill. They suspect that she has cancer. I am deeply sad about this and I am soooo trying to hide the way I feel. But the more I hide my feelings, the more I hurt. I feel so crap that I have not done enough for her or been there enough for her. But my common sense tell me that I am just tripping! I know in my heart that I have done alot for her. Maybe not as much as I could have. Maybe not enough to ease my guilt feelings. But what is enough?

I know it sounds stupid. But I really feel that I can do so much more. I pray that God spares her, yet I pray that God should relieve of all pain. I do not want to see her in pain anymore. She has suffered so much after the passing of my dad. I just want my mom to be happy and I know that she will be happy if she is with my dad.

I am so scared that I won't have a mom anymore. Yes I have lost her a long time ago. For years now I have not had a proper one-on-one conversation with her due to her stroke. She is like a baby. Everything has to be done for her. But I never stopped loving my mom. And I probably never will.

It's funny how things turn out. When I was very younger, my mom and I never got along! And my brother just got everything from her and that pissed me off. And i was Daddy's girl :). But when my dad passed on, my mom and me formed this mother-daughter relationship. And I really got to know my mom as this strong, yet gentle woman. And I loved her even more than before. I must say that it was hard at first to build a relationship with someone you have known all your life, yet never had that connection with.

I truelly love my mom and all she has done for us. And I appreciate the sacrifices (there were many) that she made for us. And she gave up so much and did so much for us. I can't talk for my siblings, but I can talk for me. Even now, I love her soooo much. She is the strongest person that I know and yet seeing her frail and helpless saddens my heart.

She has been in and out for hospital for the last 2-3weeks. And this just reminds me of when my dad passed on. How he was in and out of hospital a few weeks before he died and up until the day he passed on.

Now that I am a MOTHER myself I know what she went through and I salute her. Because each day spent with my son, makes me realize that it was not always easy.

A poem that I found

MOTHER'S ARE THE SWEETEST.

Our mother is the sweetest and
Most delicate of all.
She knows more of paradise
Than angels can recall.

She's not only beautiful
But passionately young,
Playful as a kid, yet wise
As one who has lived long.

Her love is like the rush of life,
A bubbling, laughing spring
That runs through all like liquid light
And makes the mountains sing.

And makes the meadows turn to flower
And trees to choicest fruit.
She is at once the field and bower
In which our hearts take root.

She is at once the sea and shore,
Our freedom and our past.
With her we launch our daring ships
Yet keep the things that last.

~Nick Gordon~