Preparations

I can't believe that I am going to this! Preparing everything for mom's burial. It's very hard for me :( I can't imagine what I am going to do tomorrow, how I will get through everything. I have the day off from work.

My heart is aching and I am in a buzz. I can't consentrate for long without thinking of my poor mom. I guess that she is so much better off. Funny how death can bring a family closer. I never understood that concept. Yet it is true.

I got a call yesterday from my long LOST sister-in-law. She told me that she is sorry for my loss and sorry that I am going through this. But she was crying more than anything else. I could hardly hear her on the other end of the phone. I just stood there with the phone against my ear. I almost cried. But I couldn't. I felt so empty. She rejected us and my mom when we really needed her. Yet now that my mom is gone she is trying to mend the pieces. What did I get a year ago when I tried to mend the pieces? NOTHING! No-one ever apologised to me for being rude to me, for doing unbearable things to me. What about ho I was hurting????

Ok I will leave that to the past. I am looking to the future now. And trying to go on with life without my dear mom. So for her sake, I will let things just be and make right where I can.

All in all, it was traumatic yesterday when I had to write out her obituary. She had a fulfilling life, yet she was never really taken care of in the way that a mother of her age should have been. Yes my sister took care of her but my sister was unemployed and barely had any money for herself let alone for my mom. I feel so much regret. I feel pain in my heart. The way I feel cannot be explained. I know I did what I could for my mom. Just like a daughter should, but will it ever be enough?

So tomorrow I will make preparations and pray that all will run smoothly. I want my mom to have a dignified funeral.

Dear God

Dear God;




I don't know all of the challenges my friend has,

but YOU know EVERYTHING.

I hear her silence;

YOU hear her prayers.

I see her laughter;

YOU see her tears.

I see when she gives;

YOU see what's been taken from her.

I see her beautiful appearance;

YOU see the scars in her soul.

I experience her faith;

YOU know her doubts.



My prayer God, is that YOU give her everything she may need and bless her abundantly.

The passing of a parent :(

Saturday morning I woke at 7am. The sound beeping sound of my phone was starting to irritate me. It goes off every few minutes indicating that there is a sms. I eventually got up and opened the message. There were 3messages! All please call me's from my brother. Urgggg I thought. But then I thought maybe it is my mom. So I called him and he told me that my mom was admitted again to hospital. I then sem's my dh to to tell him and to also tell him to stop by my mom's house when he comes home from work.


I got out of bed and started with Zeke's clothing and started cleaning. And then at 7h20 Zeke woke up which meant that I had to stop everything. I was playing with him and spending some quality time with him as I have missed him the whole week. And then I decided that we (me and Zeke) are going to pray for Mamma. And we prayed and when I was finished he looked at me with this look on his face and just smiled at me. I had to hold back the tears. I decided I am going to bath my baby boy and then we could just spend time together before daddy comes home from work.


Daddy came home just after 9am. made breakfast for us. And I gave Zeke a bottle and off to lalaland he went. So innocent to the worl around him. He does not know the difference between living and dying. And as I was watching him fall asleep so many thoughts went through my mind. Thinking what he would be when he grows up. How he would be if I were to be sick. Would he be there for me? Would he take care of me? And if I should die, would he miss me? All these things.

Saturday afternoon I went about my chores. Hanging the washing and getting the house clean. I received a call from an unfamiliar number. And I did'nt want to answer the phone yet I did. Then I just heard my sister's voice. She said you better come to the hospital and ask someone to get you here. And she told me that my mom is not going to make it. I was like :"WHAT?" And I put the phone down. I woke up hubby and he said we could go during visiting hours. I was ok with that. Then 10minutes later, she phoned again ans this time with more urgency! Come now. And I went into a crying fit. Woke up hubby and this time I got his full attention.

We decided to ask SIL to look after Zeke. We got ready and got Z ready. Took him to his aunt and from there to the hospital. On our way there, there was silence in the car. We were both so nervous. I did not know what to expect. And my mind was playing tricks on me. And I was feeling down and sad. And I thought to myself that if my mom should pass away before I get there then I am going to kill my husband. Because he took so long. And it felt like we were driving for hours and hours eventhough the drive was only 10 minutes.

When we got to the hospital I jumped out of the car. There I was met by family, all in tears. My heart sank. I thought I was too late. I was in tears. But someone (can't remember who) took me through to where my mom was. There, I vaguely remember the people that was there, people ushered me to the top of the bed. And I saw my eldest brother standing over me. And when I saw my mom. I could not utter a word, I just cried. Next thing I knew I was talking to her. She had an oxygen mask on, and the little bag at the bottom did not inflate or deflate. because her breathing was very very poor. I was in shock. I looked at her. And I saw a lifeless person there. I did not know this woman before me. I couldn't picture this woman in my life. The mother/woman I know was strong and had a soft heart.

This woman before me is not the person that I got to know and love. She was just laying there. Her eyes were rolled up and there was no movement.. She just lay there. I wanted to shout, GET UP GET UP. I wanted her to hold my hand and I wanted her to tell me that everything will be ok. I wanted her to just get up. I was devastated. But I knew. I knew that she was gone already. Just that she was still breathing. She fought very hard despite the fact that she just could not anymore. I wanted to tell her that I would trade places with her. But I could'nt. At that time I was only thinking of her and me. No one else mattered, sadly not even my son. I mentally prepared myself for her passing........

The day dragged on forever. And I just could not bear her suffering so much. I said a silent prayer in her ear. And I told God that I release her. I give her unto Him. I made peace at that time. Made peace that she will be in a better place. A place that there is no pain and no suffering. At last she will be with my dad and with my 2 siblings that has gone before her. It was now her time to be with them. She had her time with us. And for that I am thankful.

We were all sitting outside and my brother Jacques came out crying! And I shouted and I saw that Mervyn (eldest brother) was consoling him. And then my sister went in where my mom was. And she came and brought the news. My mom has sadly passed on. I was in tears, I was going crazy. And all I know is that my husband took me in his arms and just held me. I was prepared for this moment. But really was not prepared.

And I could'nt understand. It was like a nightmare. Someone please wake me up........

The rest of the eveing went by in a bit of a blur. I couldn't sleep. I just held my son when we got home. Just wanted to be with him. Just needed his smile to reassure me that all is ok.

Mom I love you very much. And I pray that you are in a better place. No more pain, no suffering. I am going to miss you so much.

My dream camera

I got my dream camera on Saturday :)
When hubby went to bed on Saturday morning we started talking about the camera that I want. It's quite pricey. Dh was making sums in his mind as to how we will pay for it. And after much hesitation we decided that I am getting it!! Yeah :)

This is what  I got :)

Today's thought........

Life is like a blanket that's too small




Pull it up to cover your shoulders, and your feet's open



Pull it down to cover your feet, and your shoulder's open




Lucky for us who were taught to bend our knees,




because with prayer you're covered from head to toe...







Have a fantastic day

Betrayed friend.

"Et tu Brute, then fall Caesar". Perhaps the most famous words in English literature speak of a betrayal of a friend. Julius Caesar is saying that if even his close friend Brutus is stabbing him, then he has no hope. Our friends are the ones that we expect will stand by us through thick and thin. When are going through hard times, we ask that they be "like a bridge over troubled waters". If we cannot count on our friends to pull us through, then who can we count on?




Source: Betrayed Friend Poems - Friendship Poems about Betrayal http://www.familyfriendpoems.com/friend/betrayed-friend-poems.asp#ixzz0kzdcfDcG

So I decided that I am not letting ANYONE chase me away from my friends. I have missed my friends. And without them I would not be where I am today! God has sent them to me to help me go through things and make it easier. And for me to be there for them for what they are going through and be a friend to them.

I am so blessed to have these people in my life. I am kind of a lone ranger. And finding these ladies was a big blessing.

Here is something I found for you girls/ladies :

Good FriendSharing good times with good friends is the greatest joy. This is the stuff that makes life worthwhile. Whether sharing a meal together or a good conversation, there is nothing more fulfilling then spending time with friends. We must be thankful for the friendships that come our way for not all are blessed with the skills to form deep relationships. Those of us that do have friends must never take for granted the gift bestowed upon us.



Good Friend By Family Friend Poems / CC BY 3.0

Had to say goodbye

So I had to do one of the most difficult things in my life. Saying good bye to the people that I love. The people that stood by me through thick and thin. That helped me through the worst and best times of my life!

All because someone could not be trusted. Yes, someone that I thought was a friend. A person that I supported and encouraged and helped through her k@k.

I don't understand why people can be so cruel. What have I done to them? Nothing! I have only been there for them.

For the ladies that sent me messages and emails, thank you. It is nice to know that I am loved by you all. Ok, now my tears are coming again. i will miss you girls soooooooo much. But please don't stop the emails, or skype messages.

I will maybe, mabe not pop in. But I do wish all of you the best in life. Those that are TTC'ing, God WILL bless you. Those with LO's may God bless you and them. And those that are preggies, girls, may you be blessed with a bundle of joy. And may GOD bless you all for the people that you are!

LOVE YOU ALL

My nunu in hospital! LOL

Almost like he understands what is going on on the TV! LOL

Mommy you are distrubing me :(

Heartbroken

I am so heartbroken at the moment. Some may think I am a bad mother or that I don't care. I do care. And as I am sitting here I find it so hard to concentrate!

My nunu was admitted yesterday. His nose is heavily congested. He breathes through his mouth 90% of the time. He can hardly drink his bottle. He was diagnosed with Bronchiolitis and his ananoids are a bit swollen.

I have hardly slept the last few days. Took him to a GP on Tuesday evening. Wednesday evening I could see that he is not doing so well. Yesterday morning I decided that I am taking him to another GP. When I walked in the Dr's room, all he said was : "this child Needs to be admitted". So off to the paed we went. There the paed said the same thing. I had to keep the tears back. I could see that my nunu was suffering alot. Last night was just as bad. I hardly slept. He was restless and his nose was hecticly congested.

I could not stay with him as I just started this job and don't want to jeopordise this job. Some might say that my child is more important than my job. And I would say, you are right! But how will I feed my child and pay for his meds and pay for his wellbeing if I am out of a job? I know how hard it is to find a new job! I have been there way too many times. I love my son very much.

I LOVE THIS SONG!

Journey To The Past lyrics
Songwriters: Ahrens, Lynn; Flaherty, Stephen;

Heart, don't fail me now
Courage, don't desert me
Don't turn back now that we're here

People always say, "Life is full of choices"
No one ever mentions fear
Or how the road can seem so long
How the world can seem so vast

Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
On this journey to the past

Somewhere down this road
I know someone's waiting
Years of dreams just can't be wrong
Arms will open wide

I'll be safe and wanted
Finally home where I belong
Well, starting here my life begins
Starting now, I'm learning fast

Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
On this journey to the past

Heart, don't fail me now
Courage, don't desert me
Home, love, family
There was once a time

I must have had them too
Home, love, family
I will never be complete
Until I find you, hey

One step at a time
One hope, then another
Who knows where this road may go
Back to who I was on to find my future

Things my heart still needs to know
Yes, let this be a sign
Let this road be mine
Let it lead me to my past

Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
To bring me home at last, at last

Courage, see me through
Heart, I'm trusting you
Hey yeah


© T C F MUSIC PUBLISHING INC;

these lyrics are last corrected by ash

Today

Today is just one of those days where I am trying to figure out where I want to be and where I should be..... In this journey called life, nothing is constant. Not even CHANGE.

I find myself often wondering about life. Where will it take me? I don't know. All I know is that the path that I am on at the moment is a good path. And that might not be the case. Maybe I am destined for something greater. I don't know. Who knows? No-one. Only God has the directions on this path that I need to follow.

There are alot of people in my life and some that seriously does not belong in my life. There are loads of baggage that I need to offload. But why do I keep onto it? Is it because I feel like I will be lost without it? Or that I will not survive if I loose this baggage? I don't know. There is alot of things that I don't know. That I should still find answers to. But where do I start? Alot of question and so little answers.

Maybe time will give me the answers. Maybe if I have more patience. Maybe if I just allow myself to seek and discover. To explore more.

ONLY TIME WILL TELL.....

Renaming

So I have renamed my blog. The reason for this is, is to take you on a tour of my life. And let you as my friends in on my every day life. The trials, laughter, sorrow, pain and most of all joy in my life. There are not many that knows the real Lilian January. And now I would like to share ME with you.

A bit about me. I am a 26 year old, married woman. I am a mother to a beautiful baby boy. He brings joy to my life. His father is the love of my life. And we sometimes don't get along very well because there is sometimes a break in communication. We are not the perfect couple, we have our flaws. and our ups and downs. But we strive each day to make each other happy and feel loved. This is not always the case but we get along quite well.

I met my husband while I was working at Grandwest casino as a Guest Service Attendant. He was just promoted to Supervisor. I disliked him ALOT! I could not stand this guy. He was engaged at the time. And I was kind of and kind of not involved. Later his fiance' and him broke it off. And we got together (as friends). And from there one thing led to another and here we are!

Now God has blessed us with Zeke Leo January. He is truelly a blessing in our lives. I cannot thank God enough for finding us fit to be parents. There are so many other people out there that I am sure of will make great parents but are struggling. I wish i could give them the blessing that God has bestowed upon our lives.

I am the youngest of 8 children. 2 of my siblings passed on when they were about the same age as Zeke. They are before my time. But I still think of how it would have been if they were still here. My sister, Adelaide, is the eldest, she has 4 daughters and 4 granschildren. My second eldest brother, Mervyn, is married and has 1 son. Derick is after Mervyn, he is married with 2 boys and 1 stepson. John is next, he is also married with 3 kids, 2boys and 1 girl. Jacques, the one before me, is married as well and has one son, Rowan, and a step daughter. My mother is still alive. My father passed on almost 4years ago.

This is just a little bit about me and my family. My family is not the sweetest nor most supportive or affection at all. But I know that they love me and my son.

So come along with me into our lives and see how we live and how we manage our day to day lives.

Just had to share this with you...................

Jeremiah 29:11 "for I know the plans I have for YOU, declares the LORD
"Never give the devil a ride he will want to take over the driving."
Dear Woman of God

Be still for a while and praise God for His favor
His grace and His awesomeness
God is able to do the impossible and is always near
He loves us unconditionally..

Together, lets get 1000's ladies to praise Him with one voice in this
next hour.
Please forward this to every woman who's close to your heart.

Stay blessed

Dear Dad

I don't exactly know where to start! I have written letters over and over again. But I just end up throwing it away.

I really want to tell you that I love you and I miss you so much. My heart breaks every time that I think of you. And I sometimes wish that I could just have a few moments with you. There is so much I want to tell you. So much that you would be proud of. I feel that you are the only person that is proud of my achievements. And that you would be so happy to see how my life have changed for the better.

I wish that I could see you now! I wish that you were here with me. I really miss you so much. I miss the times that we just talked about anything and everything. I miss the late nights that we watched movies or listened to the radio. The nights that you waited up for me when I used to work shifts. Just thinking about those days brings a smile to my face.

I wish that you could have met my baby. I will tell him everything about you and the person that you were. The strong characteistics that you as my father showed. You were never a talkative person, yet in your own way you loved us. And you showed us in different ways what love is and how much we meant to you.

Today I can say that I adore/d you! I loved you for who you were. Yes you did the wrong things sometimes. But who is perfect? Nobody.

So dad this is to you! I love you and miss you. May God and His angels keep you safe wherever you are. And know that you are always in my heart! I will always love you.

BLESSED

Today I can truelly say that I am blessed. Blessed that I still have a MOTHER. Blessed because Ihave a loving and kind HUSBAND. Blessed because my SON is healthy and that he brightens my life. Blessed because I have a family that is supportive (not always). Blessed that my extended family are supportive. Blessed that I have friends that love and care for me and my family.

Blessed that my husband and I have jobs. That we love what we do. Blessed that we have a house and a car. And blessed because we have a child. And that God has seen it fit for us to have ALL these things in our lives!

Blessed that I could wake up this morning and greet my husband and son with a smile. I am truelly blessed in so many ways!

I HOPE YOU HAVE A BLESSED DAY!