Preparations

I can't believe that I am going to this! Preparing everything for mom's burial. It's very hard for me :( I can't imagine what I am going to do tomorrow, how I will get through everything. I have the day off from work.

My heart is aching and I am in a buzz. I can't consentrate for long without thinking of my poor mom. I guess that she is so much better off. Funny how death can bring a family closer. I never understood that concept. Yet it is true.

I got a call yesterday from my long LOST sister-in-law. She told me that she is sorry for my loss and sorry that I am going through this. But she was crying more than anything else. I could hardly hear her on the other end of the phone. I just stood there with the phone against my ear. I almost cried. But I couldn't. I felt so empty. She rejected us and my mom when we really needed her. Yet now that my mom is gone she is trying to mend the pieces. What did I get a year ago when I tried to mend the pieces? NOTHING! No-one ever apologised to me for being rude to me, for doing unbearable things to me. What about ho I was hurting????

Ok I will leave that to the past. I am looking to the future now. And trying to go on with life without my dear mom. So for her sake, I will let things just be and make right where I can.

All in all, it was traumatic yesterday when I had to write out her obituary. She had a fulfilling life, yet she was never really taken care of in the way that a mother of her age should have been. Yes my sister took care of her but my sister was unemployed and barely had any money for herself let alone for my mom. I feel so much regret. I feel pain in my heart. The way I feel cannot be explained. I know I did what I could for my mom. Just like a daughter should, but will it ever be enough?

So tomorrow I will make preparations and pray that all will run smoothly. I want my mom to have a dignified funeral.