"Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you."
-- Carl Sandburg
I really feel sad by everything that is going on. Last night DH picked me up at work and we went to see my brother as my nephew was sick and they took him to Red Cross Hosp, but he ok now. Then I went to c mom, and she is doing well. As we drove home we were chatting and teasiing. But then a helicopter caught our attention. DH and I were very curious because it was very close to where we live! So we drove past our street to go look, and we saw nothing , and then I saw a few police vans. And we rushed over there, there we found out that a girl was heard screaming and shouting out of the bush.(There is a bush just opposite the mall and it's very close to us). They were looking for the girl. The found a condom with a bit of blood on it. But I really think that the police are very slow or the guys who took the girl was very fast???
The police would'nt let the community help look for the girl . Everyone wanted to help! But there was no girl reported missing!!!!
I was so sad and I also wanted to help but I had the wrong shoes on and I was'nt feeling too well either but the Lord knows that my heart was there! Anyway, I have'nt heard anything else about it.
Then after 11pm the neighbours starts fighting and it was very loud. I was so afraid for the two kids that was there. They were cring and going on. My heart almost broke. I wanted to go there and take the kids away from this, but DH did'nt think it a good idea. Those people might think we are intruding. So I had to listen to those two kids cry the whole night. I was very sad, but am ok now I think
well today it feels like monday!!!! i did'nt feel like getting out of bed. wish i took that lasy's number that called me this morning, the job she offered sounded so good, but the shifts i am not interested in. what a shame. i feel like i am getting very tired of what i am doing now, it does not really serve a purpose any longer. it's no longer a pleasure to help people, because they are so rude. they really know how to piss one off. sometimes i just hate being here (at work). but what else can i do? i can't just quite and walk out on this job. oh, i really wish i could. i have really had enough. i do appreciate the job that i have, i know so many others wished for jobs.
it used to be such a pleasure helping people but now that joy has been taken away. people rally know how to dappen the spirits. the more you try the more you get hurt. what's the point of trying anymore? oh, i feel so down and out.
i really need a new job... anyone got something for me?? lol
"Don't be discouraged by a failure. It can be a positive experience. Failure is, in a sense, the highway to success, in as much as every discovery of what is false leads us to seek earnestly after what is true, and every fresh experience points out some form of error which we shall afterwards carefully avoid."
-- John Keats
Now I am feeling crap again. This day is just getting way too long for me! I feel soooooo depressed. Just glad that I am off tomorrow and do not have to deal with people that I don't want to.....
Today is again one of those too long days. I wish it was over already. Tomorrow is my off day, I am hoping that DH gets the off day that he requested for tomorrow. Oh it would be nice to be off together. But then again there are such alot to do, but who cares? As long as we spend the day together.
I have'nt been to my mom's in a week and already I feel very guilty. Just did'nt have the chance to go. I miss her today....
Hoping that this day goes quick....
Had a horrible weekend with AF!!! I was very moody and she was not very kind to me. Is there a way that I can ever get her back for all the pain and suffering? Lol. I think not....
mwah xxxxxxx
"Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything."
-Muhammad Ali
"A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often - just to save it from drying out completely."
-Pam Brown
"An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind."
-Buddha
"Don't walk behind me; I may not lead. Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. Just walk beside me and be my friend."
-Albert Camus
"But Oh! The blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearless on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort - the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person - having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away."
-Dinah Maria Mulock Craik, A Life for a Life, 1866
I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same kind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.
-George Eliot, In a letter to Georgiana Burne-Jones, wife of the artist Edward Burne-Jones, 1875
All men have one refuge, a good friend, with whom you can weep and know that he does not smile.
-Menander
Woman is the salvation or the destruction of the family. She carries its destiny in the folds of her mantle.
-Henri Frederic Amiel
A woman who is convinced that she deserves to accept only the best challenges herself to give the best. Then she is living phenomenally.
- Maya Angelou
“Because I am a woman, I must make unusual efforts to succeed. If I fail, no one will say, ‘She doesn’t have what it takes.’ They will say, ‘Women don’t have what it takes.”
-Clare Boothe Luce, (speech to the National Press Club in Washington, D.C.)
Where love is absent, there can be no woman.
-George Sand, Lelia, vol. I, 1833
I prayed for riches and achieved success,
All that I touched turned into gold. Alas!
My cares were greater, and my peace was less
When that wish came to pass.
I prayed for glory; and heard my name
Sung by sweet children and by hoary men.
But ah! the hurts, the hurts that came with fame!
I was not happy then.
I prayed for love, and had my soul's desire,
Through quivering heart and body and through brain
There swept the flame of its devouring fire;
And there the scars remain.
I prayed for a contented mind. At length
Great light upon my darkened spirit burst,
Great peace fell on me, also, and great strength.
Oh! had that prayer been first!
-Ella Wheeler Wilcox, "Answered Prayers"
There are many things that are essential to arriving at true peace of mind, and one of the most important is faith, which cannot be acquired without prayer.
-John Wooden
I was thinking alot the other day about my family and the way we were. I really miss that sense of belonging. Now that I want to start my own family, I need the family that I had more than ever. This journey is becoming scary. Little guidance and no one to run to. I feel so lost and lonely. Eventhough I have a loving husband. But he can't be my mom, dad, brothers and sister at the same time! Oh I wish things were different. I still cry for the family that I had. I still feel that we can still be a family but the stubborness is greater than Our Family.
I grew up with little money, little food but with a lot of love and respect! My parents did'nt really work and my father, well he was just him. He did'nt do much to try and find work, he was a grumpy old man. lol. But he was a good father. He always used to say that he does'nt know how to raise children as he never had teh guidance of a father, yet he raised 6 beautiful children!
My father passed away 2years ago when it alll started! My mom became ill shortly afetr that. We as the children were there for her every step of the way. There were fights between ourselves but nothing that we could'nt resolve. Nothing that we also would'nt do to keep the peace for the sake of our mother. She was all we had, we just lost our father and we wanted to make the most of the time that we have with our mother. It was so nice to go and visit my brothers and sister. Everyone always being there for the other. I could phone my brother and say I need something and before I could put the phone down he was there! We all lived in harmony with one another. But then jealousy stepped in.
My mom got sick in January and then the real fighting started! We were told by the doctors that she has to go to Rehab and they did'nt say for how long. That was very sad. She wanted to go home. The doctors said no. We as a familt were there for her every step of the way. Then she decided that she wants to live with my eldest brother. He was more than happy that she wanted to stay there. My other brothers and sister on the other hand hated the idea. They wanted mom to live with them yet they did'nt give her the care that she needed in the first place. Oh it was such a chaotic situation. Everyone was fighting about where mom should go. But no-one had the proper resources to look after her. My family fell apart from that moment onwards. The hatred and jealousy and the anger all came out.
10 months down the line, mum lives with my sister and everyone else just goes to see her but there is no real realationship with each other. It is so sad taht all this happened and that my family fell apart because they could not put their differences aside for the sake of our only living parent.
But I pray for this family every day! I pray that God may guide the way. I pray for forgiveness because I too is not an innocent party in this situation. I also contributed to this family falling apart but would be more than happy to help bring it back together. I have tried so many things in so many ways but nothing. Each one with his/her own regrets, but no one humble enough to admit fault. I am guilty. I ask for forgiveness but it's not good enough for any of them.
Today's Inspirational Quote:
"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards."
-- Vernon Sanders Law
Daddy oh daddy you know how much I love you..... Do you remeber that song by that kid Ricardo? I just loved that song and today I am singing it in my head. Oh I really miss my dad. I still think of the day that he passed away, it feels like it happened yesterday. I don't tell my family or friends that I miss him anymore. I think they are fed up with hearing about me missing him, so now I do it in silence. I don't cry anymore because then they will see my tears. I don't want to let people see it. people can sometimes be so cruel, they would ask why am I still crying over him?
I loved him dearly, I still do. I can't speak to my mom about it because she will end up in tears. She is very sensitive nowadays. I don't want to speak to my sister because she looks like she understands but that is not enough for me. I also don't want to speak to DH about it, he just says i don't know what to say. He does'nt speak to me about my dad because he thinks that I will cry and be sad. It's not the same like before anymore. I can now talk about my dad without being sad and without crying.
I always pray that I will see my dad again and to tell him that I love him. To let him know that he is my hero. He will never know how happy I am that I had the chance to grow up knowing and loving him. I know so many people that does not get that opportunity to be part of their parent's lives. I was fortunate enough to grow up with both my parents. And I will always thank God for that.
Last night I went to bed with a migraine. I did'nt even spend any time with my husband. But we will have tonight to spend time together.
This morning I woke up at 5 and I could hardly breath!!! DH was so fast asleep that he could'nt hear me. Eventually when he heard me he just rubbed my back and fell asleep again. I drank lots of water and that just did'nt help. I got the smell of cigarettes and thought to myself that I am quitting!!! This time I am very serious about quitting. It is for the best. It will be hard and there will be those temptations. But I got to be strong!!! Lol, don't know if I am strong enough but just hoping that I get the support that I need.
I am in a bad mood because "Mother Nature" is on her way. That is a bit depressing but I will have to go with the flow... Be the water that it flows on!! So I will make the most of what is happening today. Whether it be work, home, husband, friends and everything else, even those annoying customers!!!! lol. Today I feel a bit inspired as well....
I have'nt missed my dad in a very long while. But this week it feels like he is all around me and I am happy that he is. I miss the chats that we had and I miss having coffe with him. Oh, how I miss you dad.
so today i get back to work and it's training. it was not as bad though. anyway, almost time to go home and i get bad news. mil also in hospital, she has the same symptoms as sil that was rushed to hospital. dh do not want to go to hospital because we might get it. now i have this big headache and i feel so bad that i cant go to hospital. i hope that mil will be ok. she is diabetic and has alot of other illnesses. i really hope that she is ok.
anyway, i am going home now and then just going to take a bath and relax. this headache is going to nag me the whole night.
mwah xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Now it's my time to go home now. Been very bored the last 2hours. There was not much to do and no one to chat to. Butu DH is taking me out tonight, can't wait. He is spoiling me alot these days and I aint complaining. Just going to enjoy the spoiling!!!
Ciao
xxxx
Today is just one of those days that I feel like going home and getting into bed! Sleep and just sleep!! Oh that sounds heavenly!!!! Lol. I am a sleep-a-holic!! But tomorrow is my off day and then I can do that or not??? You see there is one problem with being off during the week. You have to finish anything that you could not finish the weekend. Ai, what a life.
But there is one thing that I am totally looking forward to!!! Going to the hairdresser! I normally do my own hair as I did a course in Hairdressing. So for me to go to someone else is a bit of an adventure. Lol. My husband not happy that I am going because he knows that I will come home with a style that he will hate.... He wants me to grow my hair, but I just can't! I cant't handle it when my hair is long. I wonder why?????? Anyways that will be my treatment for the month....
Today has been one of those way too long days!!! Saw my DH for 5minutes this morning while standing at the bus stop waiting for my bus to work. He was on his way home from work. When I saw him my heart skipped a beat. I felt like a little girl. Lol. I fell inlove all over. Just felt like being held by him and I had to push back the tears. Oh, how I love this man. God knows why he put us together. But He has His reasons and this is one thing that I don't question... Ha Ha Ha
Being at work is such a drag and to top it off it's Monday! Lol. Wish I was home with DH. But he probably still sleeping. Working non-stop. Almost time to go home. Yippee!!!!! Lol.
going to spend some much needed qaulity time with DH. He feels that I have been ignoring him for the last few days. That's not so. Just that I have been busy working and he has been busy sleeping!
I love my mom. We have never been the best of friends and I always thought that she does not like me. I was Daddy's little girl all throughout the years. daddy suddenly passed away and then I felt alone. No one else there but me. I could'nt speak to anyone like I spoke to him.
Then me and my mom were alone, all the other children were married and out of the house by then. This then 'forced' us to talk. I came to know and love this woman more and more. I always knew that she was special but never realised how speacial. And in the process I learnt so much about me. There were such alot of her in me! And I loved it. I felt the need to take care of this fragile woman. I felt that I had a responsibility towards my dad to take care of her. She was the woman that he he loved and they were together for 40 years!!! That is a lifetime in itself.
That said, the week when I was to get married, she had a stroke. I was devastated. My brothers blamed me. I was so sad and angry at the same time. They wanted me to postpone the wedding. She said no! The wedding should go on. She so much wanted to be at my wedding, she made a full recovery in less than a week!!!!! WOW, I was so very happy! She is a fighter and she put alot of effort into it and she would'nt be anywhere than at my wedding.
She was good for a few months. My brother did not take proper care of her and she had another stroke. I was going to give up my job just to look after her. But now I also had a responsibility towards my husband. I was torn apart. I was not about to loose that woman now! She then made another nice recovery. She could'nt do much for herself but she could still do some of her normal activities.
January this year she had a MAJOR STROKE!!!! I was in tears when I saw her!!! I could'nt believe this is that same strong yet fragile woman that took care of our family for 40 years! (I am only 25). Instead of that bringing a family together. The whole family fell apart. I fell apart! Life just did not seem the same.
She speant 6 months in a Rehab centre but no progress. She can only use her right hand. She is like someone that has nothing to live for. She has 6 children and 13 grandchildren and 3 great garndchildren. Why would'nt she want to live for them?
She is now in the good and capable hands of my sister and she is well taken care of. And she is very happy where she is. There is not a day that goes by that I wish that I could have her stay with me. But unfortunately I don't have the resources and to be honest the energy to take care of her. But I am there for her every step of the way. There is not a thing that I would not do for her and she knows it! I love her so much. She has been through so much throughout her life. Caring and loving her family and now it is our turn to return the favour.
We have been married for 18 months and together for almost 4 years. We both want 2 kids. We decided that we will wait for a year after we are married to TTC. I then decided that I want us to start as soon as possible. My husband agreed. I went off the BC in July 2007. th edoctors says that it would take 6-12months for the BC to work out of my system. We were happy to wait. It has been 1 year and about 4months and nothing! Urggggggggggggg.........
Now I am starting to get worried. I have even gone into depression, even considered and tried suicide because I felt inadequate. I could'nt understand why it was not happening for me and still don't understand. Every day I am told a different story by people. My Dh also started with that story. "It will happen when you stop thinking about it". Urggggggggggggggggg......
How can he tell me that? I see so many young girls that ARE NOT ready for it and it happens for them. WTF????? I have realised that life is one unfair son of a b!tch...Urgggggggggggggg.....
But then I found these GREAT ladies!! They have been a blessing in disguise. They have given me the hope and strenght that I thought I had lost. Always reminding me that there is a way and that there is no burden that God will give you if He knows that you cannot carry it.
I have also realised that there are so many reasons why. Maybe I am not ready as yet? Maybe I will first get that job that I long for with the right hours? Who knows what the future holds? Who knows? Maybe there is a Greater plan unknown to man.
But I pray each day that He blesses us and all those that are waiting for that Bundle of Joy. I pray that He blessed us and our partners. I pray that God will be our guide, strenght and also that He give us patience. All in Your time Lord. We may not always undesrtand and we are human and we question You. I ask that You protect us on this journey and that we never loose track of our goal and that You take those stumble block out of the way.
